Sometimes, you've just gotta call it!

 Soundtrack Selection: Tears Dry On Their Own by Amy Winehouse

Some people do it on the phone, others through email...heck, Berger gave it to Carrie on a post-it note he placed on her computer. Neil Sedaka & the Cookies (yeah, I had to google that) got it right, breaking up IS hard to do. I mean there are times that people do it the appropriate way, in person and blaming themselves, but it's nearly always a messy scene. But nine times out of ten (ok maybe seven times) it's necessary and prudent.

I've done my fair share of dumping and I've been dumped a number of times too (I know, it's hard to believe anyone could have the stamina to part ways with such an amazing woman as me...but it's true).  In 8th grade my boyfriend dumped me after I gave him a Metallica tape for his birthday only because his best friend also wanted said tape for his birthday and promptly "asked me out" after the end of that glorious and passionate relationship (yeah, he got a bag of jelly beans...and promptly dumped me...I'm pretty sure he's in jail or a drug addict now...harsh? yes. True? I'd wager my meager savings account on it.). There was the time I broke up with one sweet boy in the hallway of my church. Bad form. God was definitely disappointed (but that wasn't the first or last time).

Then came the ultimate dump (I won't recap...most of you know that details), which subsequently bolstered my skepticism of the opposite sex and empowered me to go on a "dating and dumping" spree of my own. Such a heartbreaker (I'm 110% confident that they were all good decisions)!

Sometimes, you've just got to call a spade a spade...it was good for what it's worth but the time has come. So here's a little advice whether you're the dumper or the dumpee...they apply either way:

• If it's been more than 5 dates, do it in person...don't be a lazy chump. It's bad manners.
• Immediately erase the number from your phone. Whichever side you're on, it's annoyingly draining when either party drags it out. Move on!
• When it's done, drink hard liquor (seriously, skip the beer and wine and move straight for the hard stuff...unless you're in AA in which case, smoke an entire pack of cigarettes).
• It's not you, it's him/her...just keep saying that over and over while running through your mind all of the annoying things he/she did (Like how he couldn't keep his mouth shut about himself no matter what topic of conversation...oops, too much?). 
• Listen to either of the Adele albums. She goes on and on...and ON about unrequited love to the point that you want to send her Xanax in the mail.
• Don't go on and on about it with your friends unless a lawyer or police are involved. Chances are: "We told you so."
• Leave town for a while. Nobody wants to see you like that, especially the people who say, "I'm here for you." They're lying through their teeth.
• Finally, get back on the horse as soon as possible even if he is an admitted tea party supporter and has been unemployed for six months. Trust me, you'll feel better.

If you stick to this advice, you'll survive. And one day, you'll skip arm and arm with the love of your life, look back and laugh at your adventures...if you're lucky.